What If? (Levi x Reader) ~Oneshot~

What if you found out that you were the only one that could save humanity? That you were the only one strong enough to take down the enemy? That you were the only one that could give everyone hope?

Simple. You’d take up the job. You’d be skeptical at first, but could you really refuse to help when you’re the only one that can take on the job? No, you couldn’t.

Now what if you took up that job and saw countless people die? You’d see them all looking at you like you’re some sort of hero. They’d smile at you in their last moments and say, “I was glad I could work with you.” You’d be strong and grow older, but you’d see young men and women with their whole lives in front of them being slaughtered before you? You’d be the only one there to give them the comfort that they didn’t die in vain?

Again. Simple. You’d learn to deal with it. No matter how horrifying the experience, no matter how close some of those people were to you, you’d learn to find a way to deal. You’d never forget them. Each of their faces would forever be engraved into your mind. You’d simply find a way to cope, to make it all less painful.

What if you carried this on your shoulders for years? The hope of humanity. The death of each comrade. The pain. The horror. Everything. What if you alone had to shoulder that for years? What if with every step you took you felt that weight pushing on you? Everywhere you looked their faces would be watching you? No matter what you did, you could never forget that you had the world literally riding on your shoulders?

Easy. You’d begin to fall. Your knees would begin to bend, shake, and liquefy. You’d walk slower. Your world would begin to look red, like everywhere you went there was bloodshed. You’d begin to lose your sanity, slowly but surely, little by little. You’d feel the guilt of knowing that those that died trusted you to their last breaths, but you were too weak to save them. You’d feel that guilt eat you alive. Nightmares would haunt your every dream and there’d be nothing to smile at anymore.

What if the very people that thought you were their greatest hope turned their back on you? Most of them that had told you that they would support you and help you until the end suddenly didn’t see you as human? Only a few of the most loyal stay by your side and the rest don’t see you as “you” anymore, but a tool to help them reach their dreams? Not a human, not a soldier, not even a pet. You’re a tool. Almost everyone that you’d trusted took your trust and trampled on it. And then the friends you made, the people you, even if you didn’t show it, loved like family. The people that smiled at you and laughed at and with you. The reason you decided you could keep moving on in this world. What if they died?

I can tell you what you would do. You’d stop caring. You wouldn’t turn your back on the people you vowed to save, but you’d stop caring. You’d stop making friends. You’d just stop.

That’s what happened to me. I was captured and forced to become something I never thought I’d be. I’d become hope. I’d become the person that helped people stand and believe that a life of happiness and peace would one day be possible. I’d lost my squad – my friends – to a monster disguised as a human. I had my superiors that once looked at me with praise begin to tell me that all I needed to do was follow orders.

I’d begun to fall and no one seemed to see it. I couldn’t breathe properly and my mind would barely process that I was alive anymore. I’d learned to hate the beings that made it so that this was possible – that made making me a monster a possibility.

A monster? Yes. That’s what you’d become. I heard from people that sometimes, in order to save humanity, you had learn to lose some of yours.

It’s true. I’m living proof of that. Or at least, as alive as a man that feels dead inside can be.

Now let me ask you another question. What if there was someone that came along one day and they could understand you? What if they were different? They saw you as a man with pain, not a monster that didn’t care? This person that came along would smile at you, not out of obligation, not out of pity, and not out of “respect for the strongest superior,” but smiled at you because they felt you honestly deserved it. You deserved to be smiled at as a human being. She found a reason to smile at you. Even when you didn’t deserve it, she would still smile at you simply because she felt like it. What if there was someone that wanted to become the friend of the man, not the title?

You’d cling to her. As much as you’d say you’d be strong, you know you’d cling to her. You’d keep an eye on her, talk to her, and try to be nice to her. It doesn’t matter what she does or what she says as long as you get to see that smile.

And what if this person made you forget everything, even for a moment? Just for a second, she made you forget the horrors you’d witnessed. She’d make you forget the weight of the world riding on your shoulders. You’d forget that you’re a hero. You’d forget that you’re a tool. You’d be lost in a timeless daze with her. What if even for a single moment you could forget all that just by being with her?

You’d fall for her. You’d fall head over heels in love with her. You’d begin to depend on her smiles to help you remember there’s happiness in the world. You’d begin to stay by her side just to hear her voice. You’d make sure that, no matter what happens, she’s happy. Even if you’d never admit it to another person, you’d always be watching her. You’d long to be with her, to have that peace of mind only she can bring. You’d begin to trust in humanity once again, because if one human such as her exists, surely there are more.

What if she loved you back? She’d look at you and say you were the best person that’d ever come into her life. That despite what everyone says, you’re not a monster. You’re human. You’re loveable. You’re beautiful. You’re wonderful. What if she’d shower you with compliments while blushing so cutely, you felt your heart beat faster and your happiness soar?

That’s where the problem lies. You’d love every single minute of it. You’d have fantasies of caressing her beautiful face and kissing her lips. You’d love to take her on dates and tell her all your secrets. You’d hold her hand and tell her you loved her more than anything in the world. That she was precious. That she was wonderful. She’s beautiful.

The problem? You can’t tell her that. You’re too afraid. Too afraid that she’d be hurt because of you. Too afraid of the pain of losing her. You’d be so afraid you’d be back to where you started. You’d love her but would never be able to look into her eyes without fear and guilt swallowing your very being.

What would you do then? At this point, how would you react? From here, I can’t tell you how you’d react. I can only tell you how I did.

I told her no. I told her that I couldn’t love her. Not now, not here. I told her that as long as there are enemies to fight, battles to survive, and missions to fulfill, I couldn’t be the lover she wanted me to be. As long as there is something left for me to do, I couldn’t afford to fall in love only to have it taken away from me. I’d already lost comrades and friends. I wasn’t willing to chance losing a lover.

If you did the same thing as me, you know what would happen. She’d be hurt. She’d cry. She’s see you as a heartbreaker and would eventually find someone else. You know this is true.

But what if she understood? What if she never hated you for your answer? What if she looked you in the eyes with that same soft and caring look you fell for and told you that she’d wait for you? That she’d never leave your side?

She said this to me. I didn’t know whether I should be ecstatic or angry. I only told her that she should find someone who was willing to love her with the fear of death hanging over their head.

What if she didn’t leave and got hurt because of it? What if your fear that you’d lose her almost came true? What if you came back from a mission only to be told that she’d had an accident? What if you ran to her room only to see her on that snow-like bed and barely alive? What if she was on death row, living by just a fraction of her thread of life?

And they’d tell you that you couldn’t do anything about it? For all that you’re worth, for all the things you’d accomplished, there wasn’t a single thing you could do about it? Of all the hope riding on your shoulders for so long, of all the strength you had, of all the raw talent you possessed, not a single one of it mattered?

After all they’d said about how you could save all of humanity itself from being annihilated. After being told that you could be the hero that saves everyone. What if after all of that, you came back and found out that all of that was worthless? That none of it mattered? Not a single thing you could do, among the millions of things you can, could save the one you loved the most?

You’d do more than fall. You’d plummet. You’d begin to break apart. All that weight would finally make your knees succumb and you’d collapse. You’d begin to say you’d give up everything for her to be ok. That you’d do anything for her to open her eyes once more. You’d tell her motionless body how much you loved her. You’d tell her how sorry you were that you didn’t grasp the chance at love when it was presented to you.

You’d grasp the single line of hope, no matter how thin it was, if it meant that she could survive. Even if her chances of survival were absolutely slim to none, you’d hold onto that slim chance.

And you’d wait for her. You’d wait for her to wake up so you could tell her you loved her right to her face. You’d wait for her so that you could hold her and vow to never let her go.

Her name was __________. She was my world. I nearly lost her and only got her back thanks to a miracle. She’s alive and well.

It was my decision to hold onto the “What ifs” of my life and not take that chance.

It was this decision that made me learn how vulnerable the “strongest” can be.

And it was this experience that taught me one thing:

Live and don’t be afraid of the “What ifs” of life. Just keep going.

You won’t be sorry. And even if you are, whatever happens, I can guarantee you from my own life experience that it’s better than being afraid to take that first step forward.

For me, there are no more “What ifs.” There is only, “What’s next?”